Lithium Has a Secret Admirer

Loving over the internet and raccoons are living in my walls

Oops I forgot I ran an advice column but I do run an advice column. You can imagine how much of a blunder that was. If you’d like to ask me a question, please do so! Link here.

this is what i imagine the raccoons in my walls would look like if they would move out of the walls and into the park that’s just down the street where I think they’d probably be a lot happier but they don’t seem to be taking my opinions into account when they’re formulating their life plan.

Dear Lithium,

I’ve fallen madly in love with how you portray yourself online. I’m curious how frequently you hear this from your readers/followers, and I’m even more curious what your advice is. I’m single, btw, so it’s not some “I want to leave my partner for you” type scenario.

Love,
Single

Hi Single,

Hmm. I can’t say this has come up before, or, if it has, I have not been informed. First, let me say that I’m happily married (/j) and am not accepting suitors in an online format (/srs). Suitors in an in-person setting will be required to fist fight my girlfriend for my love. She’s not super strong (in a gay way) but honestly I bet she could throw down.

My online presence is very far from “me.” Many of my friends don’t even know I have this account and the ones who do literally never bring it up. I try my best to keep this online part of my life separate from the person who does the dishes and calls her mom and poops in a toilet. Occasionally I’ll meet a person and they somehow discover that I am “Lithium,” and, I got to say, that is such an incredibly uncomfortable and embarrassing moment for me. Because my online presence is such an odd and disjointed representation of who I am… My follower count (and yours) is not a representation of my value, but some people treat it like it is. I’m literally just some guy.

I started this account because I was depressed and chronically ill and spent a lot of time alone. I had some memes on my phone and thought I might share them since I have better taste than like 95% of people. Over time somehow I started taking questions, sharing advice, posting less memes, and sharing my thoughts and poems. This whole project is sort of like my private/public little secret.

I’d like to talk about the raccoons living in the walls of my apartment. I have read them my poetry. I have given them copious amounts of advice (she’s a new mother, lots going on). I drilled a hole in the wall that I pass rolled up memes through. I really appreciate my relationship with them because while we’re able to have these interactions, I stay on my side of the wall and they stay on theirs. That being said, one of them has been reaching its little hand through that hole that I drilled. I’m not sure if it’s reaching for more memes or if it’s after my heart, I suppose only time will tell. My point being, we love and respect each other, but it can never be anything more. I’m a human. She’s a single mom. I’m good with kids but I’m just not ready to take on so many of them at once.

I know you wrote this question like 4 months ago, sorry, I’ve been away. But my advice to you, in what I imagine is a period of time after these feels have already passed, is to look really closely, and without judgement, at how this has come to be in your life. I am not holier than thou. I have, many times, put my love in places that maybe it didn’t belong. So if it were me, I’d be looking at what are the circumstances in both my past and in my present that are giving rise to this. It’s not really about me, Lithium, it’s about you + someone you don’t know. And while that someone you don’t know is really really ridiculously good looking, my point is that you don’t have a 2-way relationship with them.

So maybe a love connection with me feels safe, because I can’t actually hurt you. I can say I’m not interested, but you already knew that. But I’m not going to fight with you. I’m not going to re-litigate old traumas. I’m not going to force you to dance the difficult dance that is a relationship with another human. I am a safe person to love.

Some time ago I told a friend, and someone who I was working closely with on a project that I had a “huge crush” on them. My cheeks got super red and then their cheeks got super red. We had an adult conversation about it. And then we got back to work on our project together. They were so nice to me. At that time in my life, and with where I was in all these different ways, they were a safe person to be in love with. I knew that whether or not they felt the same way, that they wouldn’t hurt me.

I don’t know what it’s about for you. I don’t know you. But I encourage you to take a look at yourself and to just note down what you see. The point of the exercise is not to be judgemental. We get enough judgement already, no need to pile it on. The point of the exercise is to learn about yourself. We should all be so lucky so as to look at our quirks in the mirror and to say, “huh, what’s your story?”

With love,
Lithium

P.S. To all the people gawking at this very private letter, why don’t you ask me a question of your own? Link here.