Empath’s Relationship (feat. Trans Misogynist)

Hi folks, welcome to the second edition of “Dear Lithium.” This week the fabulous @trans_misogynist is guest writing and gracing us with her straightforward wisdom.

Guest written by @trans_misogynist

Dear Trans Misogynist,

I’ve always had my head in the clouds. I’m a dreamer, a healer, a lover, and an empath (you can roll your eyes its okay I understand). These things make me an awesome person to be in a relationship with, until my quintessential solution comes into play: chronic on again, off again boy bullshit. And I know it’s bullshit! which is why I’m proud of myself for making it through the hardest season of the year without a personal breakup (polycule situation, streak ended January 8th) and now that the seal is broken, I’m realizing one of my two partners is really not good for me.

I drive 4 hours (total, there and back twice) to pick him up from the shithole county I used to live in at least twice a month, I make him meals, and I do my best to communicate in a healthy way. While he is still growing as a person, I know in the back of my mind that I need to be in love with the person that I’m with and not the person that they could be. The person I’m with currently, unironically, without the tint of nostalgia, enjoys Filthy Frank (which I feel says a lot about him as a character.) What I like most about him presently are his looks, his humor, and his skill in intimacy. I have a genuine fear that I wont find someone like that again, which I know is irrational but it also doesn’t feel wrong. I fear for him that he will not find someone as capable of giving him room to explore his sense of self, as there is no other place in his life he can do this now. But every time I give him space to grow, I come back to find no progress unless I push him to do so. And also he insults my cooking.

So how do I break up with him without contributing to the cycle? How do I stay cool with him at the very least? How do I get over my need for the validation of an immature asshole who understands my sexual needs but none of the others? And how can I organize my clearly disorganized attachments?

Dear Empath,

It sounds like you’re trying to fix someone to avoid confronting your own issues. The cycle that you are talking about is a kind of mental trap you’ve invented to keep yourself in this guys sack. Give yourself room for conflict, it’s part of the ride we call life. Keeping cool with this guy might be the virtuous thing to do, but you might need to have a messy little moment.

As I see it you have two options, keep him around for a good fuck, or just say bye bye without worrying about your lore.

Option 1

Personal cultivation can be your thing, let him just keep laying bomb pipe. You don’t have to cook for him, you are putting yourself in a position and resenting him for it. In life there are things you genuinely want to do, find the things you want to do for him, and don’t feel a need to do everything you ‘should’ for him.

If he’s an asshole, be an asshole back. Part of having relationships either intimate or platonic with different kinds of people is learning to speak their language. Don’t trap yourself in your idealized conflict resolution roadmap and sacrifice your feelings.

If you’re gonna keep him around the terms of the relationship need to be revamped. Conflict is necessary. You can’t make him change but you can change what you’ll tolerate. Communicate that.

Option 2

It sounds like you have about as much respect for him as he does for you, next to none. You have presented a portrait of a highly unflattering individual. I doubt the sex is even that good, and even if it is, good sex is a matter of communicating your needs.

You are already ready to leave him on some level. You sound emotionally fed up with the guy as you’ve exhausted yourself trying to fix him. You don’t love him for who he is because you wont accept that he’s just a good lay and funny. Sometimes that’s enough, sometimes gas is too expensive and you’ll find someone closer.

He is not the problem, your insistence on changing him, your inability to leave him, your ego is. Focus on what you can change within yourself and recognize that the rest is out of your control. Validate yourself, stay cool with yourself, organize yourself.

Sincerely,
tm

P.S. ur not an empath ur just terminally unique